Seven If Onlies

I generally try to live a life with no regrets, a life with no what ifs and no if onlys. (Onlies? Only's?) But, there you go, like that possible lapse in spelling and grammar, uncertainties and mistakes are always bound to happen. So we learn to pick up the pieces, make the most of them, and move forward.

I need to uncover all my regrets in Malaysia so that I can go on to the next chapter with a complete heart. This is debriefing post #4, after all. To be clear, I may have these regrets but I may not necessarily want anything to be changed. But I am getting ahead of myself. So, regrets:

1. If only I had taken a three-year-loan for Caleb instead of a seven-year one. That would have saved me from this headache of trying to sell him off now. But then that would probably mean weeks of me living on mee sedap or indomie. So here I am, still with some debt to pay, still with a faithful Myvi looking for a trustworthy owner.

2. If only I had communicated with my family more. I mentioned in my previous post how I became more grateful for them. But I still feel I didn't communicate enough. No matter. When I go back to Manila, I will make sure to take that commute up to Baguio at least once a month.

3. If only I hadn't isolated myself so much in UKM. Once I started working, I sorta became more outgoing. I had more friends. I had people outside church whom I could confide in. I did have friends back in UKM. But I still wish I had opened up more. Lesson learned: open up your life, open up your heart.

4. If only I hadn't put my relationship with Adrian too high up on a pedestal. We had so much heartaches because of so much pressure and expectations. He is my first boyfriend, I am his first girlfriend, and we both jumped straight into a long distance romance. I wouldn't go as far as saying if only I hadn't said yes to an LDR - though I do keep telling people considering getting into relationships this: DO NOT DO LDR. No, I won't go as far as saying if only he'd found a way here or if only had I never left home or if only we had never fallen in love or if only I had known what I was getting myself into or if only we had waited until I got home - I won't go as far as saying those things. Because these - this long distance friendship, this long distance courtship, this long distance relationship - these are the very things that have made our love story unique. And, hey, we have stood the test of time, distance, and inconsistent Internet connections. Now that we are finally doing short distance, I have no idea how things will work out. But I shall remember this if only. I will not make an idol out of this relationship. Gah, I think I already said too much for item 4.

5. If only I had saved up earlier! What on earth did I do to my money??? I had some debt, yes. I traveled a bit, yes. But I still wish I had more pesos in my Philippine account. Mission once I get a job next year: save, save, save!

6. If only I had been more sensitive to people. If only I had loved more, listened more. To have someone close to me disappear so suddenly and to have her go through so much heartache right under my nose - would I have been able to change anything? And yet, looking at where we all are now, would I have wanted things to be changed? I honestly don't know. In that parallel universe wherein she had stayed, wherein she still had constant communication - I have no idea how that world would have turned out like, and if we would all be happy in that world. I would like to believe so. But this is the world we have now.

7. If only I had no if onlies. I'm having trouble thinking up of a 7th one. But what if I never did have any regrets in my stay here? That would be such a perfect world. But I realize that I do have regrets. And now that those are all out in the open, it's now time to move on.

I want to leave being in good terms with Malaysia and my memories here. It's time to move forward, time to move on.

No more regrets.